Conspiracy, Dumb As a Bag of Dicks

Alex Jones: “I’m part of a false flag operation!”

In a surprising admission today, the controversial radio host, documentarian, and author Alex Jones suggested that all the evidence points to his direct involvement in a false flag operation directed against his own Infowars website. During his radio show, Jones said, “After having carefully sifted through the websites and Youtube videos, it’s 100% IMPOSSIBLE that anyone could write or say this ridiculous and insane bullshit while still seeking even a semblance of respectability or credibility. I’m clearly doing this to bring myself down.”

“Whoever is responsible for my words, they have a direct agenda straight from the Bilderberg group, the New World Order, and Obama and his gun-grabbing Washington cronies … to discredit me, Infowars, and all freedom-loving Americans, because who would spout this crap and think it wouldn’t make them look like a giant tool in the hands of the powers that be in their corridors of power?!”

Jones said that he began to take his suspicions of himself seriously after reading his tweet directly after the Boston Marathon bombing, in which he wrote, “Our hearts go out to those that are hurt or killed #Boston marathon – but this thing stinks to high heaven #falseflag.” Jones’ apparent dismay stems from the gross lack of even the most tenuous of half-cocked and circumstantial innuendo gleaned from biased or amateur news sources to support this wild theory.

“Someone,” said Jones, “and by someone I mean me, has got it in for me, this country, guns, and liberty, and they – or I – will do anything to make me look like more of an idiot. I clearly hate the message that Infowars is bringing to people and I won’t stop at anything to slander my good name and hasten the goose-stepping, jack-booted Obamatrons by false-flagging myself. It’s been done BEFORE!”

Jones suggested that it was possible and therefore probable or conclusive that he was under some kind of direct mind-control from the CIA, because he had thought of something like that once. The radio host also intimated that his association with Austin, Texas, a bastion of liberal and progressive thinking, was enough evidence by itself to raise suspicions about his character.

Jones finally turned his paranoia on his followers: “No half-brained American citizens would be stupid enough to follow the things I’ve been saying. If anything in this whole crap-sandwich smells like a turd it’s those brainless drones sent here to follow the red herrings that mind-controlled me is spouting off. My whole stupid self just stinks to high heaven of trying to discredit myself, so any person taking me seriously is now on watch.”

When asked what he was going to do about his own involvement in a conspiracy to destroy himself, Jones responded, “Look, the facts don’t lie. It’s now just up to some American hero, maybe even me, to neutralize me, so I’m just going to go sit in a room and try and convince myself to not write or say anything stupid.”